那个曾经

我还记得那个曾经，我站在地铁上的一角，奢望着你会望我一眼，告诉我说我们别再闹了，告诉我说我们好好珍惜对方吧。我还记得我步出地铁的门闸时，在人群中你从我的视线中消失不见。我还记得那阵刺骨的冷风是那么难受，让我似乎整个人都麻了。我还记得我走在马路上，看着双向的车辆穿梭眼前，第一次体会到哀伤情歌中失意那个角色站在十字路口的感觉，眼前的事物，脑筋分析不了，走着，才被身旁的人拉了一把，当时第一件想到的事是，若我真的被撞了，你会紧张吗。心里十分寒，还是继续走着。我还记得转了地铁后接到了妈妈的电话，听着妈妈说出一个一个字，再也听不下去了，盖了电话后站在地铁上我哭得像小孩，顾不了颜面，也控制不了泪腺。我还记得我手里握着电话，狂打你的号码，可却都没被接通。我还记得我当时多无助，无助却不能疗伤。有一件事我不记得，我不记得自己留了多少泪水，有没有一公升。原来，爱，不曾来过。可是，我看到了，至少，我们终于都变得坚强。对于这个曾经，我不遗憾。我庆幸，你只是我的曾经。

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如果你说爱我

原来，这是现代人的恋爱方式。哪怕是一晚的沉醉，都已该侥幸。

初时新加入，还以为每段感情都必须要付出。未见过世面，以为自己遇到了对的，多想紧紧抱住，多不想当下的幸福会溜走。

时间过了，手心里捉得冒汗了，微微张开手掌时才发现，怎了，幸福呢？何时溜走了？曾经来过吗？是我做错了吗？

届时心里狂打冷战，到底是怎么了，到底这一切意味着什么。

时代变迁，感情的经营方式似乎也改变了不是吗？

还总以为，感情是不能强求的，不能抓太紧，不能置之不理，要拿捏得刚好，还以为总有一套方法能把它经营好。

时代不一样了，一切都不管用了。

要拿捏的，是自己的付出，不能付出得太多，不能真的爱上，不能以为自己爱上了，因为这才是现代人的爱情。

每一句甜言蜜语，都只是甜言蜜语。纵使听到了，也只是那样而已。

对不起，我总是学不会。

总学不会分辨你的甜言蜜语，总学不会掩饰自己的笑容。

不过我想说，大概这次以后，再也不会那样了，因为我不是玩家。

我总有自己的坚持，为什么你却不了呢？

没错，幸福并非谁非爱谁不可。我总该学着，学着，别再把自己都坦露，因为你是你的。

也总有在离开时，才发现你从来不是我的，才发现你只是个过客。

weight of acceptance

So, this is inspired by a friend miss CamwHore. She made a statement at that midnight, ' I just feel special about this guy, can you imagine how did he feel at that time? Although his parents accepted him for now, but can you imagine what's his feelings when his parents actually done those things to him? They treated him like an alien.' How true? I'm not going to blame any parents or any person here, it is definitely reasonable, we all have something that is beyond our limit, we all have someone that we think it's worth for us to try to extend our limits we set in the past. How does the parents feel when they discovered that their sons and daughters are doing something which they can't really accept anyone else doing it? And now, congratulations, they get to know that their sons and daughters are doing the same thing too. Seriously, you don't expect someone to just accept you after getting to know such a big surprise. Sadly, you got to be treated as alien, how unfair that you don't get to get some comfort when you actually stood out to tell your parents about something you have hid for so long. But, aren't we suppose to appreciate it as well? They really paid some efforts to accept the truth. Looking at myself, what will be the case? One thing about me, I will never tell lies, if you asked me about it, then I will tell you about it. Of course, for some people, the concealing of the truth is just the same as lies. But, I very much believe in the principle that somethings, they are really better left untold to somebody at sometimes. Isn't it true? I don't want to imagine what will be your reaction, but I always prepared for the worst. So, if you actually asked me, I guess that means that you have prepared to know about it? Of course, the weight of acceptance does apply on me as well. I'm not someone to judge if I'm wrong or not, but I'll tell you, I've tried, and this is what I'm doing now, take me as a whole, or else, really, fuck off. Because I want you to know, I paid my effort as well, it's time for you to do something for me now. Demanding? But I'm just trying to make it fair. No matter what, I do look forward until the time when you question me. That's going to be a big step I'm very sure, but it could be in either forward or backward direction, I know, and I want to know which will it be.

38

Flipping through the pages, and he lost his sight between the lines again. He's been often trying so hard to focus on the book, but nevertheless still failed every single time. Distraction of the circumstances or distraction from his strong desires, who knows. But, seriously, who doesn't desire for something which is usually unattainable? 38 days, he knows very well how near it is, but he is still looking at whatsapp, social networks and his phone. He wants nothing specifically, but he wants something. A text, a date or a hook up. And he forced himself to look back to the book again. 38 days, how free you think you are? Just one minute after that, the same cycle goes on and on, till he realized that it is the time to hit the sack. And yes, one day is going to pass, which means the figure will drop to 37 days. We'll see?

whatcha' want

You always tend to set a number of rules down, but how many of them have you actually followed? You think that you are rational, but how many times you really think before you make a decision? You always think that you know what you want, but ask yourself, what do you want? There is really nothing much there, if you could ever stop imagining and indulge in your own fantasy, you will realize that there is not really something. Can you just be more rational? I always hate you for this reason. Why do you want to make promises to yourself when you know that you are going to break it? You are the one who makes your words to be meaningless. Your talk is definitely cheap, simply because you never hold on to it. There is no point in doing so, so tell me, what do you want? You are just going to get nothing, NOTHING.

Realization

Realization, it always bring relieves. No matter good or bad the outcome is, there is no more nervousness; there is no more disturbance. If the result is bad, it might as well just hurt you for a while, all we need is time, because we know everything is there for a reason, and everything does happen for a reason. We always act to be stubborn wishing that someday in so what ever manner, what we desire will come back to us. But, seriously, ask yourself, the person you love, they will leave you one day, or touch wood, you might leave them one day; the things that you are obsessive towards, they might just not belong to you or they might not belong to you for ever, is there anything you can do about it? Yes, we will pretend to be so stubborn and persistent that we need them in our lives, but ask yourself once again, why do we want to insist something to happen? Why are we not following the flow? We often think that we are trying to make everyone feel better, but the process, is it not hurtful? Everyone needs to learn to let go, because no matter what, at the moment when you close your eyes, you do not really have a choice. Hatred and envious make things ugly, we often tend to show our angers when we fail. However, we must know, and this is a lesson to learn, not everything that we like have to be ours; not everything that we want it to be should be. There is always a plan, for all, for everything. Learn to realize, learn to accept and you will be relieved. This is how life should be. See, I am happy now. I am a happy boy. Smiling wide. :D

mentality mentality mean mean mentality

sorry sorry sorry and I am really sorry.

This will be such a disappointment to you.

I will try to change.

I know, this is not right.

Please give me a little time, I will stop myself from doing so.

I thought I am persistent, but why I am not when facing this.

Oh, please :(

I see the beauty now

I love it back here :)

Everything can be simple and nice.

Having you around me, is the best thing ever.

I may be uncontentious sometimes, but I always appreciate you and that is true.

I am really sorry for every hurt that I have made.

Until I experienced it, I realize how beautiful it is back here :)

11 hours with CaraMel.

We both know that there will be nothing in the end, we always try not to expect the impossibility within the impossibility -- bigger expectation brings bigger disappointment. However, we just want to have fun, and this is the 11 hours. We met each other at twelve, you came to pick me up. We went for dimsum, I do not really know how you felt, but I enjoyed having it with you. As usual, after our meal, we went back to your apartment. It was truly relaxing. Feeling a little bit dizzy, lying on the bed in an air-conditioned room, everything was just nice. As usual, we had our little intimate moment and the burning pleasure. I guess we both enjoyed, we just quenched each other's thirst. We lied on the bed after the session, I have to admit, it feels good. And at some point of time, I do think that I am not fit enough to indulge in such a game, if I am ever going to fall for you, even a little, I lost the game. We, no matter how, it is not going to work, I should know that good enough, but how to remind myself to be rational when I am so irrational? I wish I know. You started doing a bit of research and let me choose a movie. We watched Billy Elliot at last. I got to say I really like this movie. The story line, the characters and the way they filmed it were so beautiful. And I like this message of the movie -- Your dream, yourself and your life. You have to choose what you actually want, that is the only way to, not to achieve your dream, but at least to chase your dream. After few hours of rest in the room, you prepared me baked potato. You are a good cook and I have no doubt of that, and honestly that is one of the reasons why I actually like you in person. And one of the nicest things of the day, chicken pate, rich and creamy. Again, you are a good cook. Together with white wine, it is good, nice and indulging. We did not really do much, but just like that we spent this 11 hours. I thought I can be rational, but this just makes me want you more. But, I know, why do I need to let myself in, there is no possibility, CaraMel. I know, and you are not to be blamed.

Wake up and walk away

Yes, yes, I gained my conscious and at last but luckily at least I gained my conscious now. I will not make the same mistakes again, I hope. This is plain stupid and funny. How about you come and tell me what am I doing? Please make sure they really need you there and it is not your pure imagination. What can I say? You are way too imaginative, and that is not really good to you anyway. Bear in your mind, bear in your mind, express yourself in words and actions, do not, do not imagine so much until you think that you have already done them in reality. Nothing will be real and you will be so damned if you continue to be like this. What can I say? You are not needed here, and tell me why are you here. Get back on your own, and luckily in this situation you can still survive. You better learn your lesson now and not get your ass in hot water next time. You do not need to get embarrassed to grow up. Yes, that is a way of doing so but it is never necessary. So, so, just acknowledge the fact that, you are not needed here, not really shameful though, and walk off in a smiling face :)

you lost me

For so once in my life after few years, I thought it could be something. However, everything just broke into pieces, and you are the one who was looking at how it was being broken, acted so cool and stood there. I did wonder, when I was holding myself in the cold bathroom, did you ever think that it actually matters. I did wonder if you have ever loved me. I did, but all these craps do not matter anymore and yes, they are just craps to me now as I do not care about them anymore. Indeed, I find it hard to let anyone else in now, I can feel so clearly how much it was affecting me and they are not what I have always wanted. You did it once, and it will just happen in exactly the same way twice. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Thank you anyway, you are the one who taught me the lesson before I got too deep. You were, you really were someone to me. And, you are the one who turned the magic into tragic. You lost me.

trying

do you know, baby, I'm really trying. trying to understand you, trying to understand what you want, trying to understand you have tried as well, trying to understand we both have to move on, trying to understand this love is meant to be expressed in some other ways. baby, you are still someone special. and, don't worry, I'm willing to try my best for you.

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this is a blog for you

What do you do when life gives you surprises? Either good or bad, life still goes on. The first week of 2011 has done a lot to me. Meeting up a special one, special as from the aspect from one's sincerity that really touches you from within. Got myself so desperate to spend time with, and then end up ruining myself and ruining the relationship. Indeed there was nothing much happening, even when I question myself now, I have no idea why did I do such things. Complications went on even within just the first few days of the year. And it did not just end here. Trying to violate myself from then on, without a particular reasonable reason. And I guess 2011 has actually been good to me, letting me meet someone like this after that. I really have no idea what kind of relationship is this, and I really find it hard to give a good explanation of it. Don't question me, not even I know how to explain, and it is not the matter of I do not feel like telling. And it did not stop here either. Life got a little bit dramatic from then on. Cried like a baby while talking to you in the bus, so many emotions bursting out from within, causing me to shed out all my tears. This make me even more confused, have totally lost my mind from then on. I think I really have no idea what am I seeking in my life. Trying to be persistent, trying to find consistency, and wondering did I actually already achieve it, or not? Attempted to question myself, got tired of keep questioning myself something that I really cannot figure out. I suppose there is consistency here, now, but then, how should I face you? You just stepped into my life for these very short few days, but you have brought impact to me that no one ever did, you literally took me to such a new extreme. And I am so sure that, I am not giving myself illusion, and do you actually know that this is really not just merely infatuation? I understand too well that you are having enough burden, you are having enough commitments, you are wearing yourself out all the time, and I am so clear that I really do not want to add any worries to you. But, I just did that, over and over again. I want to apologize, because I really feel bad, because I really care about your feeling. I was so afraid to tell you anything more than I should, so afraid of letting you worry about me. I know very clearly that this is not what I want. I want to be considerate enough to spend time with you, just to look at you, innocently, and just to share with you my feelings and my every day life. I want our relationship to be simple and that is it. But, see what have I got myself into. Into someone that you do not want to look at in your life, that is so random and so casual, that ruin their own lives, that is just same like another guy out there. I feel bad and I really do. There is nothing much I can say and I know they would not really mean something if I say it right now, I have already done something, or many things that I should not have done them. I just treasure you and I really do. I do not want to defend myself, I am already wrong, but I really care about you, a lot.

Cherish YEAR 2011

First of all, happy year 2011. Actually, I tried to draft a blog for so long already, but I never succeed, it is either the network is too bad that I get annoyed while half way writing, or I got stuck half way. The conclusion is just, I did not get to post one for so long. Indeed, a lot of things happened, but one thing very true is, when so many happened and so many people passed by, you can hardly describe everything in the end. Memories may pop out in the middle of the night, but it is not that easy for you to make everything clear in one article. So, the conclusion is, guys, just treasure every moment you had, even you may not be able to remember them long time after that, but they are all deep down in your heart and they for no doubt, happened. And it is also why people blog isn't it? Just to note down some precious moments in their life that they cherish so much, and also those tough times that forced them to grow up. Exactly, every second counts. So now, I'm blogging on the train, after seeing people wave good bye to their loved ones, it is kinda depressing actually. Not sad, but it makes you feel, oh, again, that is bad. However, there is one way I use to cheer myself up, let go and leave first, then from now on you got to prepare for the next meeting isn't it? At least, at least you should be able to feel better if you think that way. Why be sad? Smile, I'm leaving home now, but smile, I'm going to gather again with you a while more. Happy year 2011 to all my loved ones :) Thanks God, always and always!