this is a blog for you

What do you do when life gives you surprises? Either good or bad, life still goes on. The first week of 2011 has done a lot to me. Meeting up a special one, special as from the aspect from one's sincerity that really touches you from within. Got myself so desperate to spend time with, and then end up ruining myself and ruining the relationship. Indeed there was nothing much happening, even when I question myself now, I have no idea why did I do such things. Complications went on even within just the first few days of the year. And it did not just end here. Trying to violate myself from then on, without a particular reasonable reason. And I guess 2011 has actually been good to me, letting me meet someone like this after that. I really have no idea what kind of relationship is this, and I really find it hard to give a good explanation of it. Don't question me, not even I know how to explain, and it is not the matter of I do not feel like telling. And it did not stop here either. Life got a little bit dramatic from then on. Cried like a baby while talking to you in the bus, so many emotions bursting out from within, causing me to shed out all my tears. This make me even more confused, have totally lost my mind from then on. I think I really have no idea what am I seeking in my life. Trying to be persistent, trying to find consistency, and wondering did I actually already achieve it, or not? Attempted to question myself, got tired of keep questioning myself something that I really cannot figure out. I suppose there is consistency here, now, but then, how should I face you? You just stepped into my life for these very short few days, but you have brought impact to me that no one ever did, you literally took me to such a new extreme. And I am so sure that, I am not giving myself illusion, and do you actually know that this is really not just merely infatuation? I understand too well that you are having enough burden, you are having enough commitments, you are wearing yourself out all the time, and I am so clear that I really do not want to add any worries to you. But, I just did that, over and over again. I want to apologize, because I really feel bad, because I really care about your feeling. I was so afraid to tell you anything more than I should, so afraid of letting you worry about me. I know very clearly that this is not what I want. I want to be considerate enough to spend time with you, just to look at you, innocently, and just to share with you my feelings and my every day life. I want our relationship to be simple and that is it. But, see what have I got myself into. Into someone that you do not want to look at in your life, that is so random and so casual, that ruin their own lives, that is just same like another guy out there. I feel bad and I really do. There is nothing much I can say and I know they would not really mean something if I say it right now, I have already done something, or many things that I should not have done them. I just treasure you and I really do. I do not want to defend myself, I am already wrong, but I really care about you, a lot.