11 hours with CaraMel.

We both know that there will be nothing in the end, we always try not to expect the impossibility within the impossibility -- bigger expectation brings bigger disappointment. However, we just want to have fun, and this is the 11 hours. We met each other at twelve, you came to pick me up. We went for dimsum, I do not really know how you felt, but I enjoyed having it with you. As usual, after our meal, we went back to your apartment. It was truly relaxing. Feeling a little bit dizzy, lying on the bed in an air-conditioned room, everything was just nice. As usual, we had our little intimate moment and the burning pleasure. I guess we both enjoyed, we just quenched each other's thirst. We lied on the bed after the session, I have to admit, it feels good. And at some point of time, I do think that I am not fit enough to indulge in such a game, if I am ever going to fall for you, even a little, I lost the game. We, no matter how, it is not going to work, I should know that good enough, but how to remind myself to be rational when I am so irrational? I wish I know. You started doing a bit of research and let me choose a movie. We watched Billy Elliot at last. I got to say I really like this movie. The story line, the characters and the way they filmed it were so beautiful. And I like this message of the movie -- Your dream, yourself and your life. You have to choose what you actually want, that is the only way to, not to achieve your dream, but at least to chase your dream. After few hours of rest in the room, you prepared me baked potato. You are a good cook and I have no doubt of that, and honestly that is one of the reasons why I actually like you in person. And one of the nicest things of the day, chicken pate, rich and creamy. Again, you are a good cook. Together with white wine, it is good, nice and indulging. We did not really do much, but just like that we spent this 11 hours. I thought I can be rational, but this just makes me want you more. But, I know, why do I need to let myself in, there is no possibility, CaraMel. I know, and you are not to be blamed.

Wake up and walk away

Yes, yes, I gained my conscious and at last but luckily at least I gained my conscious now. I will not make the same mistakes again, I hope. This is plain stupid and funny. How about you come and tell me what am I doing? Please make sure they really need you there and it is not your pure imagination. What can I say? You are way too imaginative, and that is not really good to you anyway. Bear in your mind, bear in your mind, express yourself in words and actions, do not, do not imagine so much until you think that you have already done them in reality. Nothing will be real and you will be so damned if you continue to be like this. What can I say? You are not needed here, and tell me why are you here. Get back on your own, and luckily in this situation you can still survive. You better learn your lesson now and not get your ass in hot water next time. You do not need to get embarrassed to grow up. Yes, that is a way of doing so but it is never necessary. So, so, just acknowledge the fact that, you are not needed here, not really shameful though, and walk off in a smiling face :)

you lost me

For so once in my life after few years, I thought it could be something. However, everything just broke into pieces, and you are the one who was looking at how it was being broken, acted so cool and stood there. I did wonder, when I was holding myself in the cold bathroom, did you ever think that it actually matters. I did wonder if you have ever loved me. I did, but all these craps do not matter anymore and yes, they are just craps to me now as I do not care about them anymore. Indeed, I find it hard to let anyone else in now, I can feel so clearly how much it was affecting me and they are not what I have always wanted. You did it once, and it will just happen in exactly the same way twice. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Thank you anyway, you are the one who taught me the lesson before I got too deep. You were, you really were someone to me. And, you are the one who turned the magic into tragic. You lost me.

trying

do you know, baby, I'm really trying. trying to understand you, trying to understand what you want, trying to understand you have tried as well, trying to understand we both have to move on, trying to understand this love is meant to be expressed in some other ways. baby, you are still someone special. and, don't worry, I'm willing to try my best for you.

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this is a blog for you

What do you do when life gives you surprises? Either good or bad, life still goes on. The first week of 2011 has done a lot to me. Meeting up a special one, special as from the aspect from one's sincerity that really touches you from within. Got myself so desperate to spend time with, and then end up ruining myself and ruining the relationship. Indeed there was nothing much happening, even when I question myself now, I have no idea why did I do such things. Complications went on even within just the first few days of the year. And it did not just end here. Trying to violate myself from then on, without a particular reasonable reason. And I guess 2011 has actually been good to me, letting me meet someone like this after that. I really have no idea what kind of relationship is this, and I really find it hard to give a good explanation of it. Don't question me, not even I know how to explain, and it is not the matter of I do not feel like telling. And it did not stop here either. Life got a little bit dramatic from then on. Cried like a baby while talking to you in the bus, so many emotions bursting out from within, causing me to shed out all my tears. This make me even more confused, have totally lost my mind from then on. I think I really have no idea what am I seeking in my life. Trying to be persistent, trying to find consistency, and wondering did I actually already achieve it, or not? Attempted to question myself, got tired of keep questioning myself something that I really cannot figure out. I suppose there is consistency here, now, but then, how should I face you? You just stepped into my life for these very short few days, but you have brought impact to me that no one ever did, you literally took me to such a new extreme. And I am so sure that, I am not giving myself illusion, and do you actually know that this is really not just merely infatuation? I understand too well that you are having enough burden, you are having enough commitments, you are wearing yourself out all the time, and I am so clear that I really do not want to add any worries to you. But, I just did that, over and over again. I want to apologize, because I really feel bad, because I really care about your feeling. I was so afraid to tell you anything more than I should, so afraid of letting you worry about me. I know very clearly that this is not what I want. I want to be considerate enough to spend time with you, just to look at you, innocently, and just to share with you my feelings and my every day life. I want our relationship to be simple and that is it. But, see what have I got myself into. Into someone that you do not want to look at in your life, that is so random and so casual, that ruin their own lives, that is just same like another guy out there. I feel bad and I really do. There is nothing much I can say and I know they would not really mean something if I say it right now, I have already done something, or many things that I should not have done them. I just treasure you and I really do. I do not want to defend myself, I am already wrong, but I really care about you, a lot.

Cherish YEAR 2011

First of all, happy year 2011. Actually, I tried to draft a blog for so long already, but I never succeed, it is either the network is too bad that I get annoyed while half way writing, or I got stuck half way. The conclusion is just, I did not get to post one for so long. Indeed, a lot of things happened, but one thing very true is, when so many happened and so many people passed by, you can hardly describe everything in the end. Memories may pop out in the middle of the night, but it is not that easy for you to make everything clear in one article. So, the conclusion is, guys, just treasure every moment you had, even you may not be able to remember them long time after that, but they are all deep down in your heart and they for no doubt, happened. And it is also why people blog isn't it? Just to note down some precious moments in their life that they cherish so much, and also those tough times that forced them to grow up. Exactly, every second counts. So now, I'm blogging on the train, after seeing people wave good bye to their loved ones, it is kinda depressing actually. Not sad, but it makes you feel, oh, again, that is bad. However, there is one way I use to cheer myself up, let go and leave first, then from now on you got to prepare for the next meeting isn't it? At least, at least you should be able to feel better if you think that way. Why be sad? Smile, I'm leaving home now, but smile, I'm going to gather again with you a while more. Happy year 2011 to all my loved ones :) Thanks God, always and always!

Resolution Volume 1

It had been real long since last time I really wrote here. Life had been good to me, but my greed has made me wanted more. So, I've decided to set resolution! New year resolution, 2011 :) For me it is some kind of tradition, you must do it every year :) You can't live without goal, seriously!

1. I won't drink until I get drunk, getting tipsy is the ultimate limit.

2. I will focus on my case laws and articles, I'll read everyday :)

3. I will get my temper On. I will be a good quality tempered-glass :)

4. I'll stop shopping for clothes, as I already have more than enough of them.

5. I will drink Ikea coffee instead of Starbucks'

6. I will take my vitamins and healthy milkshake everyday. wow. they are delicious!

7. Hmm. I will try my best to sweep the floor .. almost every day?

Okay. to be continued. Ciao!