那个曾经

我还记得那个曾经，我站在地铁上的一角，奢望着你会望我一眼，告诉我说我们别再闹了，告诉我说我们好好珍惜对方吧。我还记得我步出地铁的门闸时，在人群中你从我的视线中消失不见。我还记得那阵刺骨的冷风是那么难受，让我似乎整个人都麻了。我还记得我走在马路上，看着双向的车辆穿梭眼前，第一次体会到哀伤情歌中失意那个角色站在十字路口的感觉，眼前的事物，脑筋分析不了，走着，才被身旁的人拉了一把，当时第一件想到的事是，若我真的被撞了，你会紧张吗。心里十分寒，还是继续走着。我还记得转了地铁后接到了妈妈的电话，听着妈妈说出一个一个字，再也听不下去了，盖了电话后站在地铁上我哭得像小孩，顾不了颜面，也控制不了泪腺。我还记得我手里握着电话，狂打你的号码，可却都没被接通。我还记得我当时多无助，无助却不能疗伤。有一件事我不记得，我不记得自己留了多少泪水，有没有一公升。原来，爱，不曾来过。可是，我看到了，至少，我们终于都变得坚强。对于这个曾经，我不遗憾。我庆幸，你只是我的曾经。

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如果你说爱我

原来，这是现代人的恋爱方式。哪怕是一晚的沉醉，都已该侥幸。

初时新加入，还以为每段感情都必须要付出。未见过世面，以为自己遇到了对的，多想紧紧抱住，多不想当下的幸福会溜走。

时间过了，手心里捉得冒汗了，微微张开手掌时才发现，怎了，幸福呢？何时溜走了？曾经来过吗？是我做错了吗？

届时心里狂打冷战，到底是怎么了，到底这一切意味着什么。

时代变迁，感情的经营方式似乎也改变了不是吗？

还总以为，感情是不能强求的，不能抓太紧，不能置之不理，要拿捏得刚好，还以为总有一套方法能把它经营好。

时代不一样了，一切都不管用了。

要拿捏的，是自己的付出，不能付出得太多，不能真的爱上，不能以为自己爱上了，因为这才是现代人的爱情。

每一句甜言蜜语，都只是甜言蜜语。纵使听到了，也只是那样而已。

对不起，我总是学不会。

总学不会分辨你的甜言蜜语，总学不会掩饰自己的笑容。

不过我想说，大概这次以后，再也不会那样了，因为我不是玩家。

我总有自己的坚持，为什么你却不了呢？

没错，幸福并非谁非爱谁不可。我总该学着，学着，别再把自己都坦露，因为你是你的。

也总有在离开时，才发现你从来不是我的，才发现你只是个过客。

weight of acceptance

So, this is inspired by a friend miss CamwHore. She made a statement at that midnight, ' I just feel special about this guy, can you imagine how did he feel at that time? Although his parents accepted him for now, but can you imagine what's his feelings when his parents actually done those things to him? They treated him like an alien.' How true? I'm not going to blame any parents or any person here, it is definitely reasonable, we all have something that is beyond our limit, we all have someone that we think it's worth for us to try to extend our limits we set in the past. How does the parents feel when they discovered that their sons and daughters are doing something which they can't really accept anyone else doing it? And now, congratulations, they get to know that their sons and daughters are doing the same thing too. Seriously, you don't expect someone to just accept you after getting to know such a big surprise. Sadly, you got to be treated as alien, how unfair that you don't get to get some comfort when you actually stood out to tell your parents about something you have hid for so long. But, aren't we suppose to appreciate it as well? They really paid some efforts to accept the truth. Looking at myself, what will be the case? One thing about me, I will never tell lies, if you asked me about it, then I will tell you about it. Of course, for some people, the concealing of the truth is just the same as lies. But, I very much believe in the principle that somethings, they are really better left untold to somebody at sometimes. Isn't it true? I don't want to imagine what will be your reaction, but I always prepared for the worst. So, if you actually asked me, I guess that means that you have prepared to know about it? Of course, the weight of acceptance does apply on me as well. I'm not someone to judge if I'm wrong or not, but I'll tell you, I've tried, and this is what I'm doing now, take me as a whole, or else, really, fuck off. Because I want you to know, I paid my effort as well, it's time for you to do something for me now. Demanding? But I'm just trying to make it fair. No matter what, I do look forward until the time when you question me. That's going to be a big step I'm very sure, but it could be in either forward or backward direction, I know, and I want to know which will it be.